


Things That Go Bump in the Night

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The Lone Gunmen (TV), The X-Files
Genre: Adventure, Humor, Medium Length
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-17
Updated: 2003-08-17
Packaged: 2019-04-27 06:46:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14419827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: What happens when things go bump in the night





	Things That Go Bump in the Night

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

 

Things That Go Bump in the Night

## Things That Go Bump in the Night

### by Polly

Title: Things That Go Bump in the Night Author: Polly - Rating: R, mostly for language  
Feedback: Welcome and appreciated  
Classification: MSR, Frohike POV  
Spoilers: Little ones for lots of episodes, but you've seen them all, right?   
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, and the Lone Gunmen belong to CC, 1013, DD, GA, et al.  
Notes: Written for the Haven October Challenge (elements at the end). Takes place during the events of Season 8 after Mulder's return from the dead, though any similarity to CC's timeline is purely unintentional. (If you can figure out CC's timeline, you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din.) For the purposes of this story, Mulder was abducted in May, but the aliens got tired of prodding, poking, and probing him pretty quickly and dropped him in that field deader than a doornail a little faster than they did on the show. Lucky for him he was resurrected in time to celebrate his 39th birthday. (Originally posted 11/3/2002)  
Archive: If you want it, it's yours; just let me know (Already archived at Ephemeral and Gossamer) Thanks: This is my second fanfic. Thanks to all those who convinced me to try again; you know who you are. Special thanks to SLS, Peg'sGirl, Angie K., AnnD, and Vickie for moral support, and to Peg'sGirl for the quick beta.  
Summary: What happens when things go bump in the night. 

* * *

October 13, 2000 

Langly swears it happened because I spent too much time rifling through the lovely Agent Scully's lingerie drawer. That's not how it happened, of course, but I'll let him think whatever he wants. I have a reputation to uphold, after all. 

The truth is I haven't thought about Dana Scully that way for a long time. Well, for the most part. Oh sure, I continue to make the occasional lewd gesture or lecherous remark, but that's just to keep up appearances. (And to keep Mulder on his toes.) That's our public image - Scully's and mine. We don't want anyone else to know about our secret relationship. 

Relationship. Understanding. Friendship. Whatever you want to call it. It was forged late one night a long time ago when I'd had too much to drink and showed up on her doorstep. We shared a pot of coffee and our memories of a man we both cared about, admired, and respected. It was that night that I knew even before she did how much she loved him. And I already knew how much he loved her. Anyone who was around Mulder when Scully went missing knew that. Neither of us ever told anyone about that night. It was the first time that Mulder died. The _first_ time. Jesus, how many people can say that? He's a lucky bastard, in more ways than one. 

Since that night I've looked out for her and she's looked out for me. If either of us needs anything, we know who to call. And that's why I was in her apartment in the first place tonight. Doing a favor for a friend. I didn't figure on having to spend the better part of the evening lurking in a closet. But as I keep pointing out to Langly, it's a hell of a good thing I did. My kung fu is the best, even by accident. Maybe I'd better tell you the whole story. 

* * *

Scully had asked me a couple of weeks ago to help her pick out a gift for Mulder's birthday. She needed my technical expertise, and I was more than happy to oblige. The stuff had been delivered to the LGM office for safekeeping a few days ago, and I was supposed to go over to Scully's apartment and take care of installation while she took Mulder out for a birthday dinner. Piece of cake (no pun intended). 

I'm sure I could have scrounged up the necessary cables back at our place, but Mulder deserves only the best. So on the way to Scully's I stopped at the electronics shop on the corner to get some new connectors. The Lone Gunmen are sort of local celebrities there, so they always knock a little off the price. The owner of the shop is a sweet little chickadee who's had her eye on me for quite awhile. And I've had my eye on her too. 

She helped me find Mulder's new cables and I dazzled her with sparkling conversation about new software and the latest episode of Buffy. She asked for my opinion on two new video game releases; and who am I to deny a lady the genius that is Melvin Frohike? I was just about to regale her with the story of my latest FBI consult, when the bell above the door announced the arrival of another customer. Vowing that next time I would definitely ask her out, I gave her the patented Frohike Wink  & Wave and headed back to the van. 

I do remember looking at my watch when I left the store and wondering where the time went. <I couldn't have been in there that long, could I?> No big deal, I still had plenty of time to get to Scully's, take care of business, and be long gone before Scully arrived home with the birthday boy. 

It was almost six when I parked in front of her building and started to unload the van. I stacked the boxes on the handcart and took them inside; and when I arrived at her front door I pulled the key she had given me out of my vest pocket. <Like I really needed a key.>

Once inside, I went right to work. First, I carted the old stuff out to the van and moved it around the corner, just in case Scully and Mulder might drive by on their way to dinner. Then I hooked up the new stuff, checking and rechecking every connection. 

I was just zipping up my little black tool bag when a sound in the hall made my tonsils drop right into my stomach. Not everyone has heard Dana Scully giggle, but I have and I know it when I hear it. The clock on the VCR had been staring at me since I hooked it up, but now I really looked at it for the first time: 8:34. 

<Shit! She told me to be out by eight. Dammit! She was gonna kick my ass.>

I ducked into the kitchen just as the key turned in the lock. I heard the lamp by the door being clicked on, coats rustling, keys dropped on a table, and what sounded like shoes being kicked off onto the hardwood floor. I tried to ignore the cold sweat that was now trickling down my back as I plastered myself to the wall and listened. 

"Do I get my cake and presents now? 

"You know, Mulder, most men I know don't display this much enthusiasm for their 39th birthday. Especially men who used to celebrate birthdays in dog years." 

"Trust me, Scully, I'm a changed man. Birthdays really don't look all that bad once you've experienced the alternative up close and personal. From now on I plan to be thankful for every additional candle on the cake. And, um, speaking of cake ..." 

"Okay, okay, I can take a hint! You make yourself comfortable, and I will get the cake." 

<Cake. Kitchen. Move!>

My only option was the tiny pantry and by the time the kitchen light snapped on I was tucked safely behind the door. I left it open just a crack, praying that Scully wouldn't need anything from in here. I heard Mulder's muffled voice in the distance. 

"Do you need any help in there?" 

"Nope," Scully said as she got something out of the freezer. <Ice cream to go with the cake maybe?> "I'm just lighting that extra candle that you're so grateful for. Get ready to make a wish and blow." 

I couldn't hear Mulder's reply, but based on Scully's laugh, I could imagine what it was. Through the space in the door I watched her gather up some things from the counter, including the cake. The overhead light went off and the glow of the candles disappeared from my limited view. 

Figuring I was safe for the moment, I cracked the door a little further and stood in the opening, just far enough to get a better view of the living room, but not so far that I couldn't jump back in my hiding place if the need arose. 

"Mmmm, Scully, this is delicious. If I'd known you could bake like this, I would have started celebrating birthdays years ago. Are you sure you don't want a piece?" 

"I'm positive, Mulder. No offense, but chocolate is just not agreeing with me right now. It smelled good while it was baking, but the thought of eating it - blech. I'll stick with my cherry popsicle thank you very much." 

"Well, it's okay by me. As long as you realize that when I watch you eat those things, it drives me wild." 

<Leave it to Mulder to turn a frozen treat into a sexual symbol.>

"Down, boy." 

"I'm just surprised you're not sick of them by now. You must have eaten five boxes of those things. And there are still more in the freezer." 

"Can't help it, Mulder. Cravings are normal at this stage. And I'm definitely craving cherry popsicles." 

<Cravings? What did she say?>

"Okay, but you don't know what you're missing." 

"Do you want another piece?" 

"A little later. Right now, I believe someone said something about presents." 

"Okay, okay. God, you are so impatient." 

When Scully stood I ducked back inside the pantry, just in case she was headed for the kitchen again. A few minutes passed with no sign of her, so I figured the coast was clear and returned to my spot in the doorway. I admit it. The suspense was killing me. I wanted to see his reaction to the birthday gift as much as Scully did. 

I heard paper tearing and then a beat of silence before Mulder spoke. 

"Wow, Scully, they're ... they're great. Recordable DVDs. Really ... great." 

"Happy birthday, Mulder. Are they what you wished for?" 

"I already have what I wished for, Scully." 

<Nice touch, slick.> From the sound of it, I think he got a kiss for that one. 

"But, um, Scully. I don't have a recordable DVD player. In fact, I don't have _any_ DVD player." 

<Jesus Christ, Mulder, no wonder you're still in the basement at the Hoover. You've only been sitting in the same room with it for a half hour.>

"Mul-der." 

Scully stood again, but I boldly held my ground. I didn't want to miss the moment of truth. 

"Tah-dah! Happy birthday!" 

"Oh my God. Scully, you ... you shouldn't have. God, I can't believe this." 

Mulder stood up too, and then I couldn't see either one of them. But I could imagine him checking out his new entertainment center, running his hands over each component, fingering the master remote control. 

"Scully, you got a new TV too. This is one of those wide screens. Wow!" 

"Yup, the works. New TV, new VCR, new recordable DVD player. Frohike says it's top of the line. Stateof -the-art. He said you would love it. Do you?" 

"Are you kidding? I'm speechless. This is incredible. Thank you, Scully. This is too much. How'd you get all this in here?" 

"Frohike came over and set everything up while we were gone to dinner. Everything should be ready to roll." 

<Yeah, it is. Including Frohike. Why don't you two go change your clothes or something so I can get out of here?>

"Wow. You really shouldn't have done this Scully." 

They returned to the couch and were within my line of sight once more. 

"I wanted to, Mulder. Fox Spielberg needs all the best equipment for making those home movies. And we'll need it for watching 'Barney,' of course." 

<Barney? Barney who?>

"'Blues Clues,' yes. 'Barney,' no. I draw the line at 'Barney." He's still the most heinous and evil force of the 20th century." 

"Okay. No 'Barney.'" 

<What the hell are they talking about?>

The lights in the living room were dim, but based on what I could see (and the lack of conversation) I surmised there was some serious necking happening on that couch. After what seemed like an eternity <You are definitely a lucky bastard, Mulder> I heard him say something that was more than likely the absolute truth. 

"This is the best birthday I ever had, Scully. Thank you. For everything." 

"Ah, but it's not over yet, Mulder. One more gift." 

"Scully, it's too much." 

"Just one more. Well, actually two more. But the second one you'll have to unwrap in the bedroom later. This one is something very special from me to you." 

More paper tearing, and I heard Mulder laugh. 

"Scully, you shouldn't have. 'Steel Magnolias.' On **DVD."**

"I seem to recall your promising to watch that with me one day." 

"I remember. I guess ... um, Scully, did you look at this carefully before you bought it?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Scully, this is a porno movie." 

"What?" 

"A porno movie. 'Steel Magnolias.' 'A sweet magnolia blossom learns to deep throat in the deep south.' Starring Olympia Du'Cockass." 

<Ah, a classic.>

"She sounds French, Mulder." 

Scully suddenly erupted in hysterical laughter, while Mulder sat stock still just looking at her. 

"Oh, Mulder," Scully gasped trying to get herself under control, but she still laughed between every few words. "If you could only see the look on your face. Priceless. Mulder, I had you big time." 

"You bought this? On purpose?" 

Suddenly a vision of Dana Scully, dressed in a Catholic school uniform, skipping through an adult video store flashed in my brain. <Where did that come from?> Well, okay, maybe I _do_ still think about her that way from time to time. Just to keep up appearances. Best to file that fantasy away for a rainy day. 

"I figured it was time to bring your porn collection into the 21st century. When I saw the title I couldn't resist." 

"Scully, you are the quintessential woman of the new millennium." 

Another long silence and I figured Mulder was giving Scully a proper thank you for fulfilling every man's Betty Crocker/Traci Lords fantasy. 

And then I heard something that just about made me drop my teeth. 

"Bump, you have the best mom ever. She can bake cupcakes for you and run to the video store to pick up some porn for dear old dad." 

"Mulder, I want you to share a lot of things with the baby, but porn isn't one of them." 

<Baby?>

If I'd had a match I would have burned my press credentials and MUFON membership card right then and there. What were Byers, Langly, and I thinking trying to uncover global conspiracies? We couldn't even uncover one in our own backyard. Mulder, you dirty dog. 

I forgot where I was for a moment, leaned back, and a box of Minute Rice toppled off the shelf behind me and landed with a thud on the floor. Shit! 

"What was that?" I heard Scully say. I froze. 

"What was what?" 

"It sounded like something fell in the kitchen. I'd better go check." 

"Relax, Scully. I didn't hear anything." 

"I know what I heard, Mulder." 

"Scully, it was probably just one of those things that go bump in the night. Right, Bump? Tell your mom to stop being so paranoid." 

I remembered to breathe again and decided to chance a quick look toward the living room. To my relief, the two were still sitting on the couch, facing each other, but Mulder seemed to be leaning forward, toward Scully's stomach. A baby. It all made sense now. The fainting spells, the nausea. She told us it was exhaustion, the stress of Mulder's abduction. And we believed her. When she finally decides to let us in on this officially, I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind. 

"And I want you to stop calling the baby 'Bump,' Mulder. Babies in the womb can hear you. It's a proven fact." 

"He likes it when I call him Bump, don't you Bump? See, I can feel his hand moving. He's giving me a high five." 

"I don't care. Nicknames have a way of sticking, 'Spooky'. No more Bump." 

"Aye, aye, Starbuck. Or should I call you 'Scout'?" You know, Scully, you have more nicknames than I do. Besides, I think Bump is a great nickname. It's got character. I can hear the announcer now: 'Starting for the Knicks, a 6'9" Center from Duke University - Buuuummmpppp Mulder!' And the crowd goes wild." 

"Six foot nine? In your dreams, Mulder. Remember this baby has some of my DNA too." 

"Aw, Scully, they've messed with our DNA so many times this kid is liable to be eight feet tall." 

"Don't joke about that, Mulder. You know I'm worried enough." 

"I know, Scully. I'm sorry." 

Silence. I knew they were both thinking about all the things they had endured over the years. It wasn't fair. But maybe this baby was a sign of better things to come. Scully's voice ended the melancholy for all three of us. 

"Anyway, I don't think you should be getting your hopes up, Mulder. He'll be too busy for basketball. Medical school takes a lot of commitment." 

<That's my girl.>

"Medical school? Well, maybe we can compromise. After his 10-year career, during which he leads the league in scoring for six straight seasons and propels the Knicks to six straight world championships, he retires and goes into sports medicine. Then he becomes team doctor for the Knicks." 

"That's a compromise? Ooh, he just kicked a little. Okay, I know when I'm outnumbered. First he plays for the Knicks, then he becomes the team doctor." 

"I'm glad that's settled. And I feel I must point out that you did say 'he'." 

<A boy. Mulder finds a son.>

"I was just going with the spirit of the moment, Mulder. I told you before. The tests were inconclusive. I don't know whether it's a boy or a girl. We're all going to be surprised." 

<A little girl for Mulder to spoil rotten. That would be pretty nice too.>

"But you're a doctor, Scully. You must have an educated guess from the sonogram." 

"It doesn't work like that, Mulder. Our son or daughter is a little camera shy. In fact, in every sonogram shot I have, he slash she is mooning us." 

"Ah, a chip off the old block. But I'm gonna have to have a talk with him slash her about that. Mooning is an art form. You can't go around dropping trou any old time. It decreases the impact. Mooning has three critical elements: purpose, presentation, and panache." 

"Well, I'm glad to know you're going to be teaching our son slash daughter all the important things in life like proper mooning etiquette." 

"Oh, Scully, I'm going to teach this kid much more than that. How to drive a stick shift. How to get the best bang for your buck, so to speak, when renting porn. How to write your name in the snow ..." 

"All worthwhile pursuits, I'm sure. What if it's a girl?" 

"Well, I guess we'd have to work a little harder on the writing in the snow." 

Scully's laughter echoed through the apartment. What a welcome sound after so many months of sadness. 

"You know, Mulder, pretty soon we're going to have to start thinking about names." 

"That's your department, Scully." 

"What?" 

"While the Mulder family may pass genetic muster, their propensity for choosing monikers leaves a lot to be desired. Did I ever tell you my grandfather's name was Horatio? And my great-grandfather's name was Aloyisius? I think that's enough proof that this decision is best left in your hands." 

"Don't you want to have any input at all?" 

I could hear the disappointment in her voice, and I was praying Mulder could hear it too. 

"Um, actually, yes I do. 'Fox' may not be the first, middle, or last name. That's pretty much the scope of limitations. Oh, and Bump is still available." 

"But I had my heart set on Fox William Mulder, Jr." 

"Trust me, Scully, the kid is already gonna be handicapped enough having me for a father. He doesn't need to be saddled with that albatross too." 

"You say that now. But when you're calling little Winifred or Wolfgang in for dinner you might have other ideas." 

"If Wolfgang or Winifred is what you want, Scully, far be it from me to stand in your way. But I'm not worried cause I know you and you would not be that cruel. Believe me, Scully, I'll be happy with whatever you choose." 

It was quiet again, and I imagined Scully was mulling things over. I, on the other hand, was mulling over how long my bladder would hold out before I wouldn't be able to stand it anymore. Just one more reminder that I'm not as young as I used to be. Luckily, Scully started talking again which took my mind off more pressing matters. 

"I think this baby is lucky to have you for a father, Mulder." 

"I wish I could agree with you, Scully. But I didn't exactly have the best parenting role models." 

"People who come from the finest families don't necessarily make the best parents, Mulder. My mother always used to say that it's the most important job in the world but they don't give you a handbook. I think all you can do is the best you can." 

"You're going to be a great mother, Scully. About that, I have no doubt." 

"And I'm sure you're going to be a great dad. If I wasn't so sure, I wouldn't have asked you to be the baby's father when I was trying the in vitro fertilization." 

<In vitro? When the hell was that?> If I ever get home tonight, we are going to have a serious staff meeting at the Lone Gunmen. We are obviously doing a piss-poor job of keeping tabs on these two. Mulder's laugh brought me back to the conversation. 

"Scully, I don't exactly remember you asking me anything about being the baby's father. I remember you asking me to jerk off in a plastic cup." 

"I asked you to be the sperm donor." 

"Exactly. You never once mentioned my role extending beyond that plastic cup." 

"Well, to be fair, Mulder, you never once indicated you wanted to be involved beyond the plastic cup. The only thing I remember your being concerned about was whether a baby would come between our partnership. You never asked me if I wanted you to be involved with anything beyond the conception." 

"That's because when you didn't say anything I convinced myself that you didn't think I was father material and I didn't want to put you on the spot." 

"I couldn't imagine anyone else being the father of my child, Mulder." 

<What a pair these two are. How can two people who are so smart be so stupid?>

"Communication, unspoken. I guess sometimes it works against us, huh, Scully? 

"Yes, it does." 

It looked to me like they were both just sitting there, staring at their feet. I wanted to go out there, whack Mulder in the back of the head, and say 'Take her in your arms, you idiot. Tell her how much you love her and need her. Tell her how much this baby means to you' And I might've too if Scully hadn't broken the silence. 

"So what about now, Mulder? Is that why you think you're not father material now? You want this baby, don't you." 

"More than anything." 

Mulder finally moved closer to her and leaned back, snaking his arm around her shoulder. <It's about time.>

"Scully, do you remember that day when you got the results from the IVF? You came back to your apartment and I was waiting there?" 

"I remember. I thought that was my last chance." 

"When you told me the procedure didn't take, I was devastated. I wanted that baby so much, but I never told you. And I couldn't let on that day, because I had to be strong for you. But on the inside, all I could feel was that this was just one more time that I failed you. One more way I let you down." 

"Mulder, you ..." 

"No, let me finish. That day I told you to never give up on a miracle. I wanted that miracle for you, Scully, but I wanted it for myself too. Before that night, I hadn't prayed to God for anything for a very long time. But that night and every night after I prayed for that miracle. When you and I became lovers, I prayed even harder. I asked God to let me do this one thing for you. To help me give you a miracle. And here it is. And I believe that God did that because He thought we deserved it. Ya hear that, Scully? Old Spooky Mulder believing in God." 

"Must be an X-File." 

"I think we deserve it too, Scully. I _know_ that you do. And I think I've finally convinced myself that I do too. We deserve to be happy. We've earned it." 

<Hallelujah.>

"I believe that, Mulder. I prayed to God for a miracle too. And He brought you back to me. I don't know how. But I do know why. So that we could both have a chance for that happiness. So that you could have a chance to be a father. Then when you first came back I was afraid that chance would slip away again." 

"Scully, I was dead. I would think that would entitle me to a little slack. Being dead really messes up your metabolism, among other things." 

The return of the giggle convinced me that everything was gonna be fine. 

"I'm not kidding myself, Scully. I still have a long way to go. I can't remember a lot of what happened to me. The parts I do remember scare the shit out of me. I don't know if I'll ever get the X-Files back. I don't even know if I want them back. Time stood still for me while it moved on for everyone else, and I still feel like I'm trying to catch up." 

"You'll get there, Mulder. Bump and I will make sure that you do." 

"Careful, Scully. Nicknames have a way of sticking, you know." 

Another giggle. <Way to go, Mulder. You _are_ a redwood among mere sprouts. >

"You know, I think it's about time we moved this partay into the bedroom. I'm itching to change into my birthday suit." 

Mulder took Scully by the hand and pulled her up. As she turned, he spooned up against her from behind and put his arms around her, placing his hands on the round little mound of her tummy like he was gripping a basketball. She placed her hands over his, and they just stood there for a few moments, him resting his chin on the top of her head. I never noticed before how perfectly they fit together, almost like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. 

"You know, Scully, I don't think you're going to be able to keep Bump a secret much longer. He's getting bigger every day. Those long black coats aren't going to camouflage him in a couple of weeks." 

"I know. I figure by the end of the month everyone at the FBI will know. I'm going to miss him being our secret." 

"Ours and Walter's." 

<Skinner knows? And he didn't tell us? I thought we had finally lured him over to the dark side.>

"Let's go to bed, Scully. I believe I have one more birthday gift to unwrap in the bedroom." 

"Don't you want to watch your movie first?" 

"Trust me on this one, Scully: Celluloid is no match for the real deal." 

"Have you really had a good birthday, Mulder?" 

"The best. Because you and Bump are here to celebrate it with me. I love you, Scully. And I love our little Moon Unit son slash daughter, whichever he slash she may be. Hey, you know, Moon Unit is a pretty good nickname too ..." 

"Don't even think about it, Mulder." 

"Bump's sounding pretty good now, huh? Let's go to bed and I bet I'll be able to tell which nickname the baby likes best." 

"I should really clean up in here first." 

<Dammit!> I suddenly realized how far out the door I was leaning and I instinctively pulled back. 

"I'll clean it up in the morning, Scully. I want to get that other gift unwrapped. Cause then I have an early birthday gift to give to you." 

<Good boy, Mulder.>

Scully laughed and they started walking slowly toward the bedroom, his arm around her shoulder. 

"We do have to be careful of the baby, you know, Mulder. No gymnastic moves or anything." 

"I think you've forgotten that I'm 39, Scully. My gymnastic days are over." 

"Who said I was talking about you?" 

"Oooh, I just got very turned on. I guess it's true what I read. That after the discomforts of the first trimester pass, many women can't get enough sex, and that they often enjoy sex more and achieve orgasm much more easily in pregnancy." 

"Where did you read that?" 

"On the internet. The internet is a wondrous tool, Scully. And speaking of wondrous tools ..." 

<Jeez, how does she put up with him?>

Mulder opened the bedroom door, pulled Scully into his arms, and kissed her - the deep and passionate kind of kiss usually reserved for chick flicks. 

"You go get my birthday gift ready to unwrap. I'll lock up and be there in a minute." 

"Don't keep me waiting." And with that, she went into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. 

Marveling at Mulder's self-restraint, I stepped all the way back into the pantry, watching through the door crack as he checked the front door and turned off the lights. True to his word, he left the remnants of the cake on the coffee table and turned off the last lamp, heading toward the bedroom and not the kitchen. <I was almost home free.>

I heard the bedroom door close and the stereo come on. As anxious as I was to get the hell out of there, I waited a few minutes more, just to be safe. Finally, I pushed the door open and took a few tentative steps. No sound except the muffled smooth jazz coming from the other room. I tiptoed to the edge of the kitchen entranceway and paused again. Nothing. I let out a sigh of relief. I'd done it! By now, Mulder and Scully were in the throes of passion, so I confidently headed for the door. I couldn't wait to get home and tell the guys the big news. 

I had my hand on the doorknob and was just inches from a clean getaway when a voice from across the room stopped me in my tracks. 

"Leaving so soon, Frohike?" 

I turned around to face a steely-eyed Fox Mulder, arms folded across his chest, leaning against the frame of the bedroom door. I don't think I ever truly knew what "deer in the headlights" meant until that moment. 

"Sure you wouldn't like to come hide out in the bedroom closet for a while? It's gonna be a pretty good show." 

I scowled back at him. "All right, Mulder. How'd you know I was here?" 

"When I went over to check out the new video equipment earlier I could see your silhouette against the kitchen cabinets. You may be a little man, Melvin, but you cast a giant shadow." 

"You're real funny, Mulder. If you knew I was here, why'd you make me sit in that closet all night? Why didn't you say something?" 

"Maybe I wanted to see how long you could stick it out before you came out of the closet." 

"You're a regular comedian. Bite me, Mulder. I'm going home. Goodnight. And happy birthday." 

"Thanks, Frohike. Drive safely. And thanks for hooking up the equipment." 

"You're welcome." I started to open the door, but shut it again and sat my tool bag on the floor. I walked across the room until I was standing right in front of him, and poked my index finger into his chest to help make my point. "You ever hurt that woman in there, Mulder, and I will kick your ass." 

We stared at each other for a few moments, and once I knew my message had hit home, I turned and headed for the door. 

I grabbed the knob but his voice stopped me. "Hey, Frohike ..." 

I wheeled around ready for a fight, only to be met by Fox Mulder's lily white ass stuck in the air, his jeans and shorts bunched around his knees and his shirttail flipped up over his back. From the bent at the waist position, he twisted his upper body to the right so he could look back at me. He was smiling, but I could tell he was completely serious. 

"If I ever hurt her, Frohike, I will offer up my ass just like this and you can kick it from here to kingdom come with my blessing. I give you my word on that." 

"Good," I said, and he straightened up, pulling the shorts and jeans up but not fastening them. He put his hand on the bedroom door and spoke again. 

"You see, Melvin? Purpose, presentation, and panache." 

"Yeah. I see. I see that Bump has a lot to learn about the mooning code of ethics. Good thing he's gonna have you around to teach him. He's a lucky kid. Just like his old man." 

His smile turned into a grin. "Thanks, Frohike." 

"Goodnight, Mulder. Happy birthday. And congratulations." 

"Thanks," he said quietly. "Goodnight." And he disappeared through the bedroom door as I let myself out and locked the door behind me. 

* * *

You can believe Langly if you want, but that's the true story of how I came to be lurking in Dana Scully's apartment tonight and how I learned that two of my favorite people were expecting a visit from the stork. The guys were as thrilled as I was, and we argued until almost 2 a.m. about who was going to get called for babysitting duty more often: Uncle Byers, Uncle Langly, or Uncle Frohike. 

After the other two headed off to bed, I sat down at the computer and wrote down everything I could remember about this night. Because one day, I want to tell Bump all it. And I don't want to forget a thing. 

The End 

* * *

Haven October Challenge Elements -  
Any season or beyond; any character's POV Mulder's Birthday  
A popsicle (or popsicles)  
Someone or thing lurking or being a lurker Pornography  
A Bump got Visible (any character, any pregnancy) Extra Credit: A moon or mooning   
  


#### If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Polly


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